Can I just jump right back in?

I know that I just took a long, unannounced hiatus... sorry 'bout that.  My world has been spinning at an incredible speed lately... and I came back to tell you the story how it's turned into a huge shift for me.  It's been the culmination of my inner work, and it feels like it came to a crazy climax in the last week.

It started with vertigo a little over a week ago.  I knew, even at that point, that the vertigo was just the physical symptom of seeing myself in a whole new way, with clarity of purpose, and an integration of my being.  How naive I was to think that was the end of it.  I drew one of my oracle cards that I love very much called Messages from the Wee Folk.  This has been my most profound set of oracle cards.  Anyway... I drew Receive.

I thought it meant that it was time to receive this new self that I'm recognizing... more integrated with my soul... more truth... more real.  Yes, I could receive.

And so I did... I caught my 1st grader's back-to-school cold.  It settled into my throat and chest and I started wondering if I was already struggling to voice my new space... to manifest the changes that were occurring.  Again I drew a card... Receive (again).  Hmmm... had to think more.  The book said "It's is time to collect and store energy for the task head in your life.  You do not have to do this alone.  You can ask others for help in your daily life."  Ask others?  Why?  For what?

And then... this morning... I hit the trifecta.  I had a fainting episode (for which I have a pacemaker - which at this moment seems to be inappropriately programmed, but that's another story for another time)... in which I had such a low heart rate (I'm going to guess 40 bpm from years of previous experience) that I could barely talk, and what I did manage to get out was that if I threw up my husband needed to roll me to my side, and if I lost consciousness altogether he should call 911.  Meanwhile, my head was spinning with so many other thoughts that were perfectly coherent... I just couldn't get them out.  I was thinking that I felt so bad to be so dependent on my family to just witness my struggle for consciousness... that I put them through the fear... that I ask them to trust me when it looks like things are far from OK... that I do this thing and I can get through it.  I felt waves of guilt, of sadness, of feeling like I just couldn't keep fighting for consciousness... and I realized something.  All the times I've done this (it's been happening since I was 12, only had a pacemaker to keep me conscious since 21, and I'm now 42) I've lost little parts of myself.  All of a sudden I was keenly aware of 68 (intuitive number) little pieces of me that lost their gravitational pull when I'd lose consciousness... or even when I just had to fight for it.

So... I did a lot of asking for help this morning.  I called a neighbor to ask her to pick up the kids from school... I asked my cardiologists office for an appointment... I asked my guides to help me pick up the pieces that have been missing... and I received... in the exact same trifecta!

Because I believe that healing most effectively comes from within... I did a soul retrieval ceremony for myself.  I chose another card from my deck... this time, I got True Self.  If that wasn't a sign I was on the right track I don't know what is...

I brought out all of my most sacred items... I cleared the space, and invited my guides in.  In fact, I invited every god, goddess, guide, spirit, elemental, nature deva, and ancestor that I have ever worked with... and I asked for some help.  I asked for help locating and reintegrating these parts of me that felt lost.  They came... so many of them... and I could feel the stitching that was done, the presence that returned, and feeling of wholeness that I can feel this afternoon... because I asked for help... and because I was willing to ask, starting with gratitude.

And here I am... feeling more whole than ever... going off to my doctor's office to see that we correct the pacemaker program.  I got the messages... and now things can go back to being "normal".... right?

With "normal"... I fully expect to be back at the blog more often, sharing some really great stuff that's been brewing all spring and summer.  I think this is my initiation... this receiving... this self-care... this integration... this soul renewal.  Yup... things are about to be better than evah!

Dreams

I started keeping a dream journal about a year ago.  I know... should have done it a long time ago... but I'm not much of a writer... and besides... there were a few years there where I woke up so often in the night with my kids that I don't think I ever got to dream.  Anyway... I had a very interesting dream lately and it set off a fire storm of new things.  I guess I knew it was coming after that amazing vision during acupuncture that I shared last time.

I went back to my dream journal and found that over the last year I'd had a bunch of dreams about my inner Wild Woman.  She was always captive and I never knew what to do with her.  I guess the other value of a dream journal lies in actually going back and reading it occasionally.  Then I had my vision at acupuncture and I felt like everything changed.  According to my dream journal... it did.

I started dreaming of symbols of newness... eggs, chickens, new projects, new houses.  and such.  Then... I had an inspiration with respect to my work and my partner and I are off and running with it.  Last night, I dreamed that I moved to a new town, near a big beautiful lake, and I rode a skateboard and wore little 70's-ish tinted glasses.  That had to be my Wild Woman... finding her new home.  Moon Daughter on the path...

Ahhh... home...

The quiet path... and hopscotch

Things have been quiet here lately... I know.  I am noticing that my path has moved at high speed though very quietly.  Like a spirit through the forest... or fairy flight... occasionally lingering... and then off again.

Through this season of quiet introspection I've done just that.  Many things have shifted for me as I've spent a lot of time just being aware of my feelings, who I am, what I stand for... and through SouLodge I've received many messages about standing tall in myself.  It seems it will be my action this year.  Standing like a tree after all this quiet movement... discovering the fruits of my inner labours... radiating my presence.  I've already noticed it happening.

It's so esoteric sounding... and yet it's very tangible.  I'm reacting to other people less... I was surprised by myself yesterday when my mom (accidentally... it's a long story) wasn't available for my daughter when she got home from school.  My daughter was scared when she thought no one was home... but luckily I had been working at home.  I was angry... but not reactive.  When my mom got angry back at me I saw it as a patterned response... a defense.  I calmly told her that I was allowed to be angry... my only request of her had been to be available when my daughter came home... and she wasn't.  I saw my childhood... patterns of behavior that I grew up with... I saw clearly why I always felt like the adult in my family... I saw how much I have grown to not throw my energy at her by yelling.  I stood up for my right to be upset... but I did it calmly.

It surprised even me.

I dearly love the person I am becoming... the wise woman that SouLodge reminded me I have inside of me.  I even love my crow's feet around my eyes and my graying hair... the wise woman coming out.

I know I'm talking as if I've arrived... in this moment it feels like it.  But the truth is that it's always a path... and it's a bit more like hopscotch than strolling gracefully down the path to enlightenment.  We go back and forth... skipping different squares... and eventually we become light.

Working...

Lately I've been trying to get my healing practice up and running.  I'm working with a partner, and we're ironing out our own style, a bit different than our mentor (we had the same training).  Just as my practitioner certification exam happened in early January, we had a colleague help us out with an extraordinary case... one in which we had really amazing results.  That has led to lots of local people hearing about us and what we do... and we've been very busy.  It's fantastic, and joyous, and wonderful... and exhausting! 

In my spare time (snort) I've been participating in a really great group of women at SouLodge.  Our first craft project was making a fabulous feather wand that I wanted to share with you...

It's made from some turkey feathers that I found a year or more ago near my mom's house.  I'd kept them for who-knows-what-reason... until the feather wand project came up!  It was extremely easy (mine is very simple... with no embellishments)... and very meaningful.  I meditated on what wild turkey means to me.  Wild turkey (to me... I didn't look up much about more typical understandings of the bird) embodies steadfastness, being dependable, of understated or unacknowledged value, loyal, social, compassionate, living with ease in groups, protective, intelligent, peaceful, grounded, and practical.  It seemed to fit me, and I REALLY like the wand.  I use it to feel mindful about shedding energy that isn't mine, and to consciously bring in the energy I want.

I'm not much for tools these days... I've done a lot more of my work in my spiritual body lately.  I've not been practicing so much with elaborate ritual set-ups and such.  I've done much more in the way of prayer and meditation and mindfulness.  It fits me to work this way... though it's hard when I lose my reference points to remember how far I've come.  Tools feeling old and comfortable sometimes are tangible reminders of how much work has been done... and while the inner workings are the ones that matter... they're hard to track down when you want some evidence!  :)

Not sure where I was going with that... rambling really... so I'll stop there.  How do you feel about your spiritual tools?  Are they old friends, or have you shed them focusing on inner work?

Good and evil?

For awhile I've been wondering about good and evil.  I'm not sure I believe in the evil.  I understand that people do try to hurt other people... but from my perspective they're reacting from a place of pain.  Some kind of social interaction goes badly, there are hurt feelings, and people often say or do things just to hurt someone else.  That's not evil.  That's human nature (at least, it is for my 5-year-old).  Most are never taught how to manage their emotions (anger is often taboo and rarely are people taught how to process anger without lashing out).  People act from hurt place... often without thinking... and it gets perpetuated by a string of people who don't have the coping skills.  But I don't think I've ever met anyone or felt any spirits that were just evil.  Maybe I'm just lucky.

 
Or maybe, we have a hand in creating what we believe in.  Maybe we can only see what we believe it's possible to see... thus creating our own reality.  So, someone else wants to see something "bad" as outside of them... so they call it an evil being... and I want to believe that people are basically good... so I attribute it as processing (badly) some kind of hurt.  But then, I suppose, the question still stands... is there such a thing as evil?

Maybe we get into "good" and "bad" because our brains like the easy dichotomy.  My experience is that people really don't like grey areas... where there can be paradox or a scale of responses.  They want to categorize so that they can take short cuts and not think it out.  Isn't that how stereotypes work?  And the result of the shortcuts is that things get unfairly categorized... one aspect of a situation defines the whole (like the color of the skin determines a "good" or "bad" person)... and the underlying truth that we're all people is removed from consideration once categorized.

So I'm acknowledging that it's my conscious preference not to have "evil" wandering around where I cannot control it... where it can strike anytime and without warning... or someone might put an "evil spell" on someone else... that I am going to hold onto my belief that we all carry the potential to inflict pain on others, as well as the potential to be kind, compassionate, and generous with our fellow humans.  I reject the notion that there is an evil entity out there just screwing with people... we do so much of it to each other... do we really need random evilness out there helping us?

And that brings us back to... do, re, mi... ahem... I mean... back to my word for 2011... proportion.  Meaning the "relationship between quantities such that if one varies then another varies in a manner dependent on the first"... such as a single person having varying amounts of asshole and charitable fellow citizen... rather than being entirely one thing or another.  

Recognition

Thanks to those of you who commented on my last post, sharing your own perspective on how you incorporate your solitary pagan ways into family events... and into everyday teaching of your children (or how your parents did for you).

Though I haven't taught my kids about any particular symbolism or anything, I've noticed a few things in the kids' art lately that inspires me to just keep doing spirituality as an every day occurrence.  This is the only picture I have at hand in this moment... but this isn't the first piece of art to come home.  There's a picture around here labeled "Mother Moon"... but I can't find it.  I'm not sure what this means, if anything.  At least these are familiar and ancient symbols.  Maybe the rest will come later.

I do know that my kids are good at noticing when life is really good.  One day, my five-year-old was sitting in the breezeway between our garage and the house, eating an apple just off the tree, as the late afternoon breeze blew... and she made a comment about how great the moment was.  That's spirituality too... and I had forgotten that until you all reminded me.

The bottom line is that I've noticed how much spirituality is in our everyday lives... so that it isn't something you can point at... a time or place when we do something in particular... but it's every moment.  And that feels good to me... to acknowledge that our spirituality is not different than the "rest" of our lives.

So, the art, and the recognition of beautiful moments gives me hope that even if I can't point to the "church" we go to, that at least I can see that we live in it through each moment that we are connected to ourselves and nature and each other.  And all feels well... for me... right now... *sigh*