Some random notes...

I feel silly, in a way, apologizing for being gone for so long... as if you've been waiting for me to reappear. And yet, I am sorry. I've met a few people through this blog, that I really enjoy keeping up with... and though I've been reading blogs, I haven't been keeping up with my own. And it's not for a lack of keeping up with my own spirituality.

I've been going to the meditation hour at the local Vipassana Center. It's been good for me, although, to be completely honest, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do during that hour. Sometimes, I've actually found, that just sitting there is the best thing. For an hour. Sitting. Quietly. Just being. Doing nothing. It's awesome! :) Maybe that's just because I have two small children... and quiet time is like a precious diamond!

I'm feeling some guilt over letting the pagan holidays pass me by. I didn't even acknowledge Beltane, though it's probably one of my favorite of the holidays. Unfortunately it falls in a horribly busy time of year, and so, the density of writing on my calendar seems to decide whether or not I make the effort. This year I did not.

Since I was raised a Catholic and am good at turning things in on myself, I feel some guilt for not maintaining some kind of dedication to my practice of Paganism. On the other hand, I'm extremely dedicated to the doctrine (inward practice)... though not so much to the holidays (outward practice). Does that mean I'm failing in some way at my spirituality. Sometimes I can let it go, other times I do feel like I'm failing. I guess that's why I didn't show up here for so long... I just wasn't doing my rituals, observing my feasts, and "looking" pagan. I had very little to share as it's all going on inside me... without much ado on my part.

While I feel like things are moving at lightning speed inside of me, I also feel like I have very little control over it. Do any of you feel that way too? That the energy shifts constantly, causing responses in you, but without your direct participation??? I've felt a shift to very calm, hyper-aware of others and their motivations, and watching things spin around me with little emotion about it... and yet, I'm not sure where this is going, or what I'm supposed to be doing. Sigh. I know... I just don't make sense anymore.

Meditation

Yesterday I went to a meditation hour at a local Buddhist center. It was the most pleasant, easiest, fastest hour I've had in ages. Seriously... I was sure not even 20 minutes had passed when the bell rang signaling the end of the 45 minute sit. Cool!

And yet... it makes me wonder what it is about my own house... my own space... that makes sitting and meditating so difficult for me. Maybe it's the clutter... it was so nice to have a space with a pillow on the floor... a statue and a few candles... and not much else. If it's clutter then I'm on my way to meditation at home as we're doing a HUGE spring cleaning... getting rid of stuff... finding a true space for the things we do want to keep.

Anyway, I'm starting to broaden my idea of "ritual" from the obvious magic to daily observations. I'm interested in whether people have daily practices that support their spirituality? Do you? What do you do?

Mindfulness...

I know spring is here now... I can tell because we have three birthday parties to attend in just one week, and eight... yes EIGHT birthdays in April. Geez... was EVERYONE born in April? Is July/August really that romantic?

Anyway, spring is here... and it means that our calendar gets full and it gets harder to find time for myself. So, I've been trying to make the most of what I do have. Meeting that goal is taking two forms right now.

The first is that I'm taking 5-10 minutes every morning and doing a little ritual. It consists of going outside, facing east, honoring the morning, setting my intention to do my highest good, and running my meridians to set my energy for the day.

And second, I'm trying to live mindfully. I'm reading Thich Nhat Hanh's The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching, and it's making me think a great deal about simply living in the present. Things are as they are... if I'm running late, then I just am. I am more aware that the reactions that I choose to different situations are much of my own consternation. I create my day... and if I'm mindful... and I choose Right Mindfulness... then my day goes more smoothly.

This is not easy... particularly with two small children... but ESPECIALLY with two small children it's important to me that I show them my values. I have not been particularly good at modeling my values over the winter... and so mindfulness is part of my goal this spring. Hopefully the mindfulness with help with that old proportion thang that keeps popping up. Finding ease in my day will go a long way toward addressing the lack of balance/proportion that was brought to my attention at the New Year.

Treasures...

As much as I've been complaining about this weather...

This last storm ended up being my wildly lucky day! I've been hoping for years to come across some nice tree rounds for seating and such things. This crazy weather we've had caused many trees to fall around here... blocking roads and creating havoc... but... it also meant that my wishes were answered!

Yup... tree rounds. A tree fell down the street from us... and the guy whose tree it was said we could have the rounds! YAY! For FREE! I love it when there's something I want so much... and if I'm patient it comes to me as something someone else is trying to give away!!!

I have plans for these beauties... the big one in the above picture is about 2 feet tall and about that in diameter. It took two of us to load it in the back of our van. It's beyond awesome! Anyway, four of them will live at the "directions" of my witch's garden (otherwise known as my circle garden), four will likely find places as seats, and the others are undetermined.

The day we picked up the wood seemed to be the first day of spring... it was cold and POURING rain all morning... then at noon the clouds parted and out came the sun! It's been nice since... and the weather report suggests that it'll be in the high 70's by Thursday. Bring it on, I say!!!

That orb in the sky...

Seriously... what is that bright thing in the sky? It blinds me. The world may be coming to an end. I'm so uncertain...

...for this is my recent memory... I have no others...

It's rained here for 11 straight days... all day... hail... rain... then back again...

The equinox passed with little fanfare here... we have been stuck in a winter rut...
Today some bright thing in the sky casts dark and light spots on the ground... I do not understand...
The weather report shows another 5+ days of rain ahead...
I remember hearing a story like this once... and I think the guy built a boat...
I best get working on that...

Leprechaun hijinks

The kids had great fun making stuff for the leprechauns... they built a pool so that the leprechauns could take a swim... because we all know that leprechauns love swimming???

And lucky for us... the leprechauns came by, leaving glitter, clover leaves, and bits of gold and crystals in return...

And indoors they left the leprechauns a bath station... because we take baths after swimming? I don't get the logic... but this stuff kept them occupied for quite awhile.

Apparently the girls forgot to leave the leprechauns something to dry off with... so they used the roll of toilet paper from across the room!

It was fun... and I realized how important it was to my kids that we acknowledge the leprechauns... because we almost didn't... and they were almost very disappointed.

Full moon

So, the full moon is nearly upon us... and I'm feeling it. Things are coming to fruition... and it's a bit frightening. Things I've wanted are happening... people I've really liked are becoming really good friends, I'm getting opportunities that I asked for, and... over all... things are going pretty smoothly. I'm busy, and tired, but still all is generally well.

It's new space for me to welcome success... my dad used to laughingly say that I never took the easy road. There's some truth to that. But not anymore... things are changing in my world... I am changing. A few months ago I felt a little bit like I couldn't find my reference points. Even those are back now... different... and somewhat new... but most definitely present. I have a new confidence in my own belief system... in my own abilities... and in myself.

I'm really OK... really coming into my own... in all of my 'mosiac-ness'... because I am so many things... improbably put together in the same being... so many potential interests, strengths, and perspectives.

Note: The picture is from the Astronomy Picture of the Day website I mentioned awhile back. It's a composite picture taken by Jean Paul Roux at the Blue Moon Eclipse a little over a year ago. You can find a short explanation here.