Demeter... the mother

OK, so the Goddess class has moved right along... but I'm lagging behind.  These archetypes are useful for me to ponder... and I think are bringing me full circle... but it's taking time.

Demeter is the mother in this story.  In the beginning... she's doing fine, with a daughter who is delighting in the world... picking flowers... gently and innocently exploring.  When Persephone's abducted (or otherwise disappears), Demeter is thrown into the depths of anguish.

She begins asking around... trying to find out what happened to Persephone.  Eventually, Hecate helps her... and they go to Helios together who tells them that Persephone is with Hades.  Demeter demands her daughter back from the Underworld... but a transformation has already occurred for Persephone... she has embraced her adulthood... become Queen of the Underworld... helping those passing over to find their way.

Demeter can't get Persephone back... can't recreate the old way... as the act is done... the innocence is lost... and Persephone has stepped into her womanhood.  There is no going back... even if Persephone comes back to the Middle World several months a year... it is not the same.

I've had a hard time with this.  As I'm currently parenting an almost 6-year-old and a 7 1/2-year-old... I think about parenting all the time... and I didn't really want to explore Demeter at all.  Now, I can honestly say that I've had about every experience with motherhood that there is.  I had a baby at 18 that I placed for adoption... and I had a miscarriage (or two) when I was finally ready for children and wanted them... so I know a thing or two about the loss of children.  I also know about mothering a Persephone that is young and innocent (I currently have two of them).  The thing I didn't know anything about... was mothering myself.

Now, parenting, truly nurturing myself, this is harder.  But I'm realizing that this is where women's real power comes from.  When we take care of ourselves we are mighty... we can do anything... and we can do it with vision.  Persephone personifies this for us, when she goes from picking flowers one afternoon to becoming the Queen of the Underworld.  While she undergoes a transformation, she keeps true to herself... becoming a helper to those passing over.  She doesn't become someone totally different.

And Demeter has to get over this, but without denying her feelings of grief.  What's done is done... and Demeter has to learn to relate to Persephone as Queen... otherwise she truly loses her daughter forever.  Demeter has a choice to make.  To speak her truth and move on... since things outside her control have changed... or to dwell in the devastation of Persephone changing.  The more Demeter is able to recognize her daughter for the elegant, mature, and caring woman that is emerging, the more Demeter gets to move forward.

So... this week (couple of weeks... actually) has been about gathering up my stuck Persephones in my past... getting Demeter up from her grieving to mother them... and having all of us move forward.  This is hard stuff... taking care of the Self... so much easier to worry about others... and so much less productive!

I'm getting there though... and really understanding how important self-care is.  It allows me to be more myself... to cut through my roles and day-to-day stuff... to really let me know myself.  I'm getting there...

Persephone ponderings...

Looks like I'm seeking again... or my addiction for taking classes has resurfaced since I finished my "healing training".  Anyway, I did SouLodge... and now I'm on to a Goddess e-class (by the fantastic Stephanie Anderson Ladd) on Persephone - Demeter - Hecate.

 The real pull for me was Hecate... as I swear she's been pulling at me for over a year.  I just haven't sat down to get the "facts straight" so-to-speak.

I made some prayer beads for Persephone since I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around her.  The beads tell her story.. at the bottom middle there is the goddess herself... in the garden of innocence... becoming darker... with bone beads interspersed... to the dark flower on the right... her coming of age in the Underworld.  I have never been sure how her story wove into an archetype... first she's abducted... then chooses (by eating the pomegranite) to remain with her husband in the Underworld... it seems to me she holds two archetypes.  In one, she is the innocent maiden... naive... full of fascination with the flowers that she is picking... when life changes.  She undergoes an initiation (in a way) into the Underworld... into a darkness... which she embraces and becomes queen.  She then has vast knowledge of the dark, and uses it to help those in need.

So, in some ways her story, then is about the fall of innocence, and embracing the Self that comes from gaining some inner knowledge.  But she represents both sides of the fall from innocence... as far as I can tell.  Her light aspect, being the maiden picking flowers, full of innocence (and lack of knowledge about how the world works).  She picks flowers as the first major arcana card, the Fool, in a way... and after her abduction by Hades she becomes the Priestess, knowledgeable in the ways of the world, and particularly the underworld.  Yes?

I guess the hard time I have is that she's not a static picture.  She is about transformation.  She balances innocence with wisdom, the maidenhood she spends with her mother and the independence she has as Queen of the Underworld... she is contrast.

I've seen this play out... I've pretty much lived Persephone's story in my own way.  I don't love looking over these old events... but they do keep coming up... and spring has its own correlation to my own story.  Not sure what to make of it... but I think I may have a longer walk with Persephone than just this week in the Goddess e-class.

The quiet path... and hopscotch

Things have been quiet here lately... I know.  I am noticing that my path has moved at high speed though very quietly.  Like a spirit through the forest... or fairy flight... occasionally lingering... and then off again.

Through this season of quiet introspection I've done just that.  Many things have shifted for me as I've spent a lot of time just being aware of my feelings, who I am, what I stand for... and through SouLodge I've received many messages about standing tall in myself.  It seems it will be my action this year.  Standing like a tree after all this quiet movement... discovering the fruits of my inner labours... radiating my presence.  I've already noticed it happening.

It's so esoteric sounding... and yet it's very tangible.  I'm reacting to other people less... I was surprised by myself yesterday when my mom (accidentally... it's a long story) wasn't available for my daughter when she got home from school.  My daughter was scared when she thought no one was home... but luckily I had been working at home.  I was angry... but not reactive.  When my mom got angry back at me I saw it as a patterned response... a defense.  I calmly told her that I was allowed to be angry... my only request of her had been to be available when my daughter came home... and she wasn't.  I saw my childhood... patterns of behavior that I grew up with... I saw clearly why I always felt like the adult in my family... I saw how much I have grown to not throw my energy at her by yelling.  I stood up for my right to be upset... but I did it calmly.

It surprised even me.

I dearly love the person I am becoming... the wise woman that SouLodge reminded me I have inside of me.  I even love my crow's feet around my eyes and my graying hair... the wise woman coming out.

I know I'm talking as if I've arrived... in this moment it feels like it.  But the truth is that it's always a path... and it's a bit more like hopscotch than strolling gracefully down the path to enlightenment.  We go back and forth... skipping different squares... and eventually we become light.

Working...

Lately I've been trying to get my healing practice up and running.  I'm working with a partner, and we're ironing out our own style, a bit different than our mentor (we had the same training).  Just as my practitioner certification exam happened in early January, we had a colleague help us out with an extraordinary case... one in which we had really amazing results.  That has led to lots of local people hearing about us and what we do... and we've been very busy.  It's fantastic, and joyous, and wonderful... and exhausting! 

In my spare time (snort) I've been participating in a really great group of women at SouLodge.  Our first craft project was making a fabulous feather wand that I wanted to share with you...

It's made from some turkey feathers that I found a year or more ago near my mom's house.  I'd kept them for who-knows-what-reason... until the feather wand project came up!  It was extremely easy (mine is very simple... with no embellishments)... and very meaningful.  I meditated on what wild turkey means to me.  Wild turkey (to me... I didn't look up much about more typical understandings of the bird) embodies steadfastness, being dependable, of understated or unacknowledged value, loyal, social, compassionate, living with ease in groups, protective, intelligent, peaceful, grounded, and practical.  It seemed to fit me, and I REALLY like the wand.  I use it to feel mindful about shedding energy that isn't mine, and to consciously bring in the energy I want.

I'm not much for tools these days... I've done a lot more of my work in my spiritual body lately.  I've not been practicing so much with elaborate ritual set-ups and such.  I've done much more in the way of prayer and meditation and mindfulness.  It fits me to work this way... though it's hard when I lose my reference points to remember how far I've come.  Tools feeling old and comfortable sometimes are tangible reminders of how much work has been done... and while the inner workings are the ones that matter... they're hard to track down when you want some evidence!  :)

Not sure where I was going with that... rambling really... so I'll stop there.  How do you feel about your spiritual tools?  Are they old friends, or have you shed them focusing on inner work?

Playing the Fool

Ahhh... 'tis winter my friends... when the holidays are over and the true long nights are not filled with activity in preparation... but darkness and being.  For me, it's a time of going inside, of self-care, self-assessment, and really spending some time feeling the solidity of who I am.  When I remember to trust myself, trust what I know and who I am... then things come easier.  When I argue with it or think I should be different... that's when the trouble always starts.

So perfect, then, that the Fool keeps showing up in my life.  This particular tarot card has made itself known to me a few times lately... and today it seemed to fit perfectly.  Heading off in who knows what direction... the Fool is on his way and trusting that all will work itself out fine... even though the supplies he carries are few.  Just a few tools... what could be in his knapsack?  In mine would be trust in myself and the path I walk, love to sustain me, a sense of excitement to keep me moving forward, a sense of solidity in my soul that is mirrored in the physical by my bones, and joy in being wherever I am on the journey.

It's a good mental exercise... to really pare things down to the nitty gritty... what are the real essentials, and what can you provide for yourself along the way?  What do I need to carry in that knapsack?  The more you carry the harder the journey... and certainly if you're carrying burdens for others... the journey gets tiring really quickly.  If you FORGET that you're carrying things that don't belong to you then it starts to feel helpless... it's difficult going... AND you don't realize you can make it any better.

This is a season for me of really paring things down to what I need... and I mean... what I really NEED.  And it seems that some sort of cosmic force is really throwing things at me to make sure I know what goes in the knapsack, and what's not all that important.  We're going through a restructuring... one that doesn't bring up fear of survival... but definitely a reordering of priorities... deciding what's a must and what can be shed.  One that seeps into every part of my life... even makes me look back on my childhood and forces me to confront some of the issues I still hold... and it turns out that mostly, they're not even mine to carry.

I play the Fool in the best possible way... trusting my path, my self, and my knowing... all on the joyous way to my highest good!


Party on!

Happy New Year!

Well, here we are... the much anticipated 2012...

Last year I chose a word to represent what I wanted to invite into my life in 2011.  I chose "proportion". I'd say, as I look back, that I did work toward that over the year... and that I had some moderate success (read: success and failure in proportion!  LOL!).  No... really... it was a year of personal growth and looking to my wholeness and the proportions of energy within.  For instance, I believe I have a better balance of masculine and feminine... that I've more fully integrated my spiritual and "mundane" lives... so... in 2011 many things did come into proportion for me.

This year... in 2012... I'd like to bring more JOY into this balance.

JOY (per Merriam Webster, I only used the noun definitions, not the verb) is:

1: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune 

2: a state of happiness or felicity : bliss

3: a source or cause of delight

I've realized through the ritual that I did recently, that so little of my life has been lived from a place of joy.  My parents didn't have any, and didn't know how to teach me how to live my life that way... so it's up to me to call it in.  This year, I intend to do just that.

In some ways... bringing in joy will be much more powerful and all-encompassing of my life than trying to transform or release the anger and sadness.  I feel I need to put my attention on what I do want... rather than what I don't.  Which isn't to say that I'm going to ignore the times I'm angry... I'm not.  I fully believe that anger is useful... it tells you when someone crosses your boundaries.  But, I intend to live my life from the platform of joy... of the celebration of what is great about my life... rather than what I don't want, am missing, or otherwise lack.

May your troubles be less,
And your blessing be more.
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.
Happy New Year to all!

More ritual thoughts

I'm still trying to figure out how to let go of the sadness I found under my anger.  So far, I've been unable to unwind it... so I'm looking for strategies.  I enrolled in SouLodge for the winter session... hoping that going within will help.  Might as well try to align with nature to help me through... right?

My other strategy is to dismantle this stuff from my own energetic field.  Think of it this way.  Imagine that the energetic structures are made out of things that resemble Tinker Toys.  All of the possibilities are present "out there".  As I move through life, I meet someone who says... "here... you need this piece" and they hand me a tinker toy that says "nice".  Because I trust this person I take the tinker toy and add it to my structure.  Many come from well-meaning people... trying to teach you how to be in the world... many come from parents... we tend to build our structures when we're young the way our parents built their structures.  After all... they survived... didn't they?  So something about what they did works.

Now, imagine that I've got this huge, unwieldy thing that is my energetic field... and I become aware that some of these tinker toys don't even fit with my sense of self.  These pieces that don't belong to me are heavy, they require lots of energy to carry, and attract feelings of frustration... and maybe anger... or sadness.  The way to heal the heaviness, fatigue, and negativity is to get rid of what doesn't belong.  Unfortunately, some of the things that don't belong now hold up much larger structures... and they're not easy to remove.

In this vision of tinker toys... I have started to find structures that I want to get rid of, and I am doing it in meditation.  I am sitting down, naming the structures I don't want... and I'm returning them to the "out there" place that holds all possibilities.  Someone else might want these... after all!  :)

I've named several triangles and removed them... sad, pathetic, unworthy... sad, worthless, unwanted... sad, victim, gullible... and on and on.  I actually think I'm starting to feel lighter.  Clearly, some of the structures are still in place, even though I've removed these little pieces.  I think it's losing its structural integrity... and it's just a matter of time... and a few more tinker toys... and I'll find a momentary place of ease on the other side of this ritual.

The way I see it, this is coming into alignment with the creator within.  I have the power to choose what I carry, how I build my Self... and I might as well connect with the very center of that to take care of this shit once and for all.  I've done tons of work where I pick up each ill-fitting piece, turn it over, examine it, open old wounds, and then put it right back where I found it... in my own space.  This time... I want to resolve this.