Today I noticed...

...a spider... building her web between some of my redwood saplings...

I noticed how when her web moved in the breeze, she rode it out.  She has such a delicate, but strong grip... she rode the breeze as if it were nothing.  She continued to work, moving back and forth, building her home.  She didn't stop and grasp her web, hold on for dear life... she simply stayed her course and kept moving forward with her project.  That isn't to say that she ignored the breeze, blocked it out, she really seemed to be riding it... effortlessly.

I obviously can't say that was her experience, but I can say that I had a very strong perception of it.  That her tender connection with her web was something she trusted, found strength in, and could rely on.  She confidently kept building.

Can I just jump right back in?

I know that I just took a long, unannounced hiatus... sorry 'bout that.  My world has been spinning at an incredible speed lately... and I came back to tell you the story how it's turned into a huge shift for me.  It's been the culmination of my inner work, and it feels like it came to a crazy climax in the last week.

It started with vertigo a little over a week ago.  I knew, even at that point, that the vertigo was just the physical symptom of seeing myself in a whole new way, with clarity of purpose, and an integration of my being.  How naive I was to think that was the end of it.  I drew one of my oracle cards that I love very much called Messages from the Wee Folk.  This has been my most profound set of oracle cards.  Anyway... I drew Receive.

I thought it meant that it was time to receive this new self that I'm recognizing... more integrated with my soul... more truth... more real.  Yes, I could receive.

And so I did... I caught my 1st grader's back-to-school cold.  It settled into my throat and chest and I started wondering if I was already struggling to voice my new space... to manifest the changes that were occurring.  Again I drew a card... Receive (again).  Hmmm... had to think more.  The book said "It's is time to collect and store energy for the task head in your life.  You do not have to do this alone.  You can ask others for help in your daily life."  Ask others?  Why?  For what?

And then... this morning... I hit the trifecta.  I had a fainting episode (for which I have a pacemaker - which at this moment seems to be inappropriately programmed, but that's another story for another time)... in which I had such a low heart rate (I'm going to guess 40 bpm from years of previous experience) that I could barely talk, and what I did manage to get out was that if I threw up my husband needed to roll me to my side, and if I lost consciousness altogether he should call 911.  Meanwhile, my head was spinning with so many other thoughts that were perfectly coherent... I just couldn't get them out.  I was thinking that I felt so bad to be so dependent on my family to just witness my struggle for consciousness... that I put them through the fear... that I ask them to trust me when it looks like things are far from OK... that I do this thing and I can get through it.  I felt waves of guilt, of sadness, of feeling like I just couldn't keep fighting for consciousness... and I realized something.  All the times I've done this (it's been happening since I was 12, only had a pacemaker to keep me conscious since 21, and I'm now 42) I've lost little parts of myself.  All of a sudden I was keenly aware of 68 (intuitive number) little pieces of me that lost their gravitational pull when I'd lose consciousness... or even when I just had to fight for it.

So... I did a lot of asking for help this morning.  I called a neighbor to ask her to pick up the kids from school... I asked my cardiologists office for an appointment... I asked my guides to help me pick up the pieces that have been missing... and I received... in the exact same trifecta!

Because I believe that healing most effectively comes from within... I did a soul retrieval ceremony for myself.  I chose another card from my deck... this time, I got True Self.  If that wasn't a sign I was on the right track I don't know what is...

I brought out all of my most sacred items... I cleared the space, and invited my guides in.  In fact, I invited every god, goddess, guide, spirit, elemental, nature deva, and ancestor that I have ever worked with... and I asked for some help.  I asked for help locating and reintegrating these parts of me that felt lost.  They came... so many of them... and I could feel the stitching that was done, the presence that returned, and feeling of wholeness that I can feel this afternoon... because I asked for help... and because I was willing to ask, starting with gratitude.

And here I am... feeling more whole than ever... going off to my doctor's office to see that we correct the pacemaker program.  I got the messages... and now things can go back to being "normal".... right?

With "normal"... I fully expect to be back at the blog more often, sharing some really great stuff that's been brewing all spring and summer.  I think this is my initiation... this receiving... this self-care... this integration... this soul renewal.  Yup... things are about to be better than evah!

Playing with plants

I took an Herbcraft e-class from Latisha at Herb Mother.  Ever since, I've been meeting plants in my yard and getting to know what they do.  My first meeting was with lemon balm who I now love deeply and dearly...

She nursed me through a cold, and has just been a general blessing.  I know we're friends because the more I take, the bigger and healthier the plant looks!  Of course, it is spring, her favorite time of year. 

I have dried some, and made some into a lemon balm glycerite for my little who often tells me her tummy hurts.  Of course... I gave her the lemon balm glycerite and she made a nasty face!  LOL!  As you can see above, I have also collected and dried nettle (and made a tincture for my allergies) and mugwort.  And I made a rosemary tea mixed with vinegar to clean my counters.

I also found that I have yellow dock in my back yard... which is pretty fabulous... as I occasionally suffer from... ahem... digestive irregularity.  I hear this guy will help... although the more yellow/orange roots that can be harvested in fall are reputed to really carry the medicine, I decided to experiment with a tincture.  For this one I used Everclear as my preservative.  When I went to the liquor store asking for Everclear the guy at the counter asked if I was going to drink or cook with the giant bottle of incredibly strong alcohol.  I told him I was using it as a preservative for a tincture.  He asked what a tincture was.... and by the time I left I was pretty sure he thought I was crazier than if I'd just told him I was going to drink it by myself.

Here are a few of my plant crafts... the mandala was an art assignment from my HerbCraft class...

...and the smudge stick wrapping was inspired by something I saw on Etsy by Sage Goddess.  She makes fantastic looking smudge sticks... and I figured I could do something similar myself.  Yeah.  They weren't quite as easy as they look... although I learned a few important lessons about tying them.  Mine are loose and likely to fall apart as I use them... but they were fun to make.

So fun, actually, that I made one and gave it to a friend!

I'm enjoying my new relationship with the plants in my yard.  It makes my yard feel more personal, and I'm more in tune with it.  Next, I want to dry some plantain... I did make an infusion with oil awhile back... then added some beeswax and peppermint essential oil to make a balm for bug bites.  I have more projects on my list too... so I'll share more when it's done.

Despite feeling quiet lately, I guess I've been busier than I thought!

Dreams

I started keeping a dream journal about a year ago.  I know... should have done it a long time ago... but I'm not much of a writer... and besides... there were a few years there where I woke up so often in the night with my kids that I don't think I ever got to dream.  Anyway... I had a very interesting dream lately and it set off a fire storm of new things.  I guess I knew it was coming after that amazing vision during acupuncture that I shared last time.

I went back to my dream journal and found that over the last year I'd had a bunch of dreams about my inner Wild Woman.  She was always captive and I never knew what to do with her.  I guess the other value of a dream journal lies in actually going back and reading it occasionally.  Then I had my vision at acupuncture and I felt like everything changed.  According to my dream journal... it did.

I started dreaming of symbols of newness... eggs, chickens, new projects, new houses.  and such.  Then... I had an inspiration with respect to my work and my partner and I are off and running with it.  Last night, I dreamed that I moved to a new town, near a big beautiful lake, and I rode a skateboard and wore little 70's-ish tinted glasses.  That had to be my Wild Woman... finding her new home.  Moon Daughter on the path...

Ahhh... home...

Preparations of Spring

Spring... the time of the East... where things begin, form, get set up, and ready to take shape in the summer... the time of the South.  This last month, the transition from winter to spring has been intense for me.  It's as if I spent the winter in hibernation... holding still... waiting... and then... with the tiniest hint of spring in the air everything went wild!  Seriously... everything...

Photo by Phil McGrew in lots of local newspapers from April 12, 2012

The weather here was crazy a few weeks ago.  In coastal California we don't get much thunder and lightning... but one night there was a storm that went on for hours.  I've lived most of my life here... and never seen anything like it.  I heard lots of others say the same thing.

In parallel with the intense weather, it seemed to me that relationships got pretty intense too.  Struggles between and with my family members took on their own drama... which, pushed all of my old buttons... things I've been working on for years.  It brought back some of my old self-talk which was not nice... and for a few days last week I felt like I was going a little loco.  I didn't feel like myself.

And then I started having dreams.  Some were a bit daydreamy when I'd let my mind wander... some were visions during acupuncture... some were dreams at night.  In the end it came down to a massive clearing and shifting of energy for me. 

I met the Bone Woman.

In a daydream during acupuncture she stripped away everything but my bones and skin.  She took me down to my essential nature and cleaned my bones.  Such a strange feeling to be made of only bones and skin.  Then... she filled out from her skeletal form and began to sing.  And as she did she wove plants around me... all manner of plants... around my legs, my body... with extra around the belly and breasts because I am a mother... and up around my head.

This picture of a goddess candle holder is the closest image I can find for being built up by the Bone Woman

Then, she placed a red, heart-shaped rock at my heart.  It was vibrant, strong, and beautiful.  I felt complete again, if a little raw and edgy with my new being.  I'm still getting used to the new deal, it's still easy to cry over things... sometimes not even knowing why, exactly.  I think it's just part of the transition... becoming aware of new reference points... and trusting it to settle in.


I'm still processing... but feeling much more energetic again.  I got sick a few weeks ago... and it's taken a long time to kick the cold/flu... it processed through as did the rest of this stuff.  So the whole upheaval felt like it was not only my whole being (emotion, spirit, physical) and family level AND the environment.  Did you feel it too?

Demeter... the mother

OK, so the Goddess class has moved right along... but I'm lagging behind.  These archetypes are useful for me to ponder... and I think are bringing me full circle... but it's taking time.

Demeter is the mother in this story.  In the beginning... she's doing fine, with a daughter who is delighting in the world... picking flowers... gently and innocently exploring.  When Persephone's abducted (or otherwise disappears), Demeter is thrown into the depths of anguish.

She begins asking around... trying to find out what happened to Persephone.  Eventually, Hecate helps her... and they go to Helios together who tells them that Persephone is with Hades.  Demeter demands her daughter back from the Underworld... but a transformation has already occurred for Persephone... she has embraced her adulthood... become Queen of the Underworld... helping those passing over to find their way.

Demeter can't get Persephone back... can't recreate the old way... as the act is done... the innocence is lost... and Persephone has stepped into her womanhood.  There is no going back... even if Persephone comes back to the Middle World several months a year... it is not the same.

I've had a hard time with this.  As I'm currently parenting an almost 6-year-old and a 7 1/2-year-old... I think about parenting all the time... and I didn't really want to explore Demeter at all.  Now, I can honestly say that I've had about every experience with motherhood that there is.  I had a baby at 18 that I placed for adoption... and I had a miscarriage (or two) when I was finally ready for children and wanted them... so I know a thing or two about the loss of children.  I also know about mothering a Persephone that is young and innocent (I currently have two of them).  The thing I didn't know anything about... was mothering myself.

Now, parenting, truly nurturing myself, this is harder.  But I'm realizing that this is where women's real power comes from.  When we take care of ourselves we are mighty... we can do anything... and we can do it with vision.  Persephone personifies this for us, when she goes from picking flowers one afternoon to becoming the Queen of the Underworld.  While she undergoes a transformation, she keeps true to herself... becoming a helper to those passing over.  She doesn't become someone totally different.

And Demeter has to get over this, but without denying her feelings of grief.  What's done is done... and Demeter has to learn to relate to Persephone as Queen... otherwise she truly loses her daughter forever.  Demeter has a choice to make.  To speak her truth and move on... since things outside her control have changed... or to dwell in the devastation of Persephone changing.  The more Demeter is able to recognize her daughter for the elegant, mature, and caring woman that is emerging, the more Demeter gets to move forward.

So... this week (couple of weeks... actually) has been about gathering up my stuck Persephones in my past... getting Demeter up from her grieving to mother them... and having all of us move forward.  This is hard stuff... taking care of the Self... so much easier to worry about others... and so much less productive!

I'm getting there though... and really understanding how important self-care is.  It allows me to be more myself... to cut through my roles and day-to-day stuff... to really let me know myself.  I'm getting there...

Persephone ponderings...

Looks like I'm seeking again... or my addiction for taking classes has resurfaced since I finished my "healing training".  Anyway, I did SouLodge... and now I'm on to a Goddess e-class (by the fantastic Stephanie Anderson Ladd) on Persephone - Demeter - Hecate.

 The real pull for me was Hecate... as I swear she's been pulling at me for over a year.  I just haven't sat down to get the "facts straight" so-to-speak.

I made some prayer beads for Persephone since I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around her.  The beads tell her story.. at the bottom middle there is the goddess herself... in the garden of innocence... becoming darker... with bone beads interspersed... to the dark flower on the right... her coming of age in the Underworld.  I have never been sure how her story wove into an archetype... first she's abducted... then chooses (by eating the pomegranite) to remain with her husband in the Underworld... it seems to me she holds two archetypes.  In one, she is the innocent maiden... naive... full of fascination with the flowers that she is picking... when life changes.  She undergoes an initiation (in a way) into the Underworld... into a darkness... which she embraces and becomes queen.  She then has vast knowledge of the dark, and uses it to help those in need.

So, in some ways her story, then is about the fall of innocence, and embracing the Self that comes from gaining some inner knowledge.  But she represents both sides of the fall from innocence... as far as I can tell.  Her light aspect, being the maiden picking flowers, full of innocence (and lack of knowledge about how the world works).  She picks flowers as the first major arcana card, the Fool, in a way... and after her abduction by Hades she becomes the Priestess, knowledgeable in the ways of the world, and particularly the underworld.  Yes?

I guess the hard time I have is that she's not a static picture.  She is about transformation.  She balances innocence with wisdom, the maidenhood she spends with her mother and the independence she has as Queen of the Underworld... she is contrast.

I've seen this play out... I've pretty much lived Persephone's story in my own way.  I don't love looking over these old events... but they do keep coming up... and spring has its own correlation to my own story.  Not sure what to make of it... but I think I may have a longer walk with Persephone than just this week in the Goddess e-class.