Thursday, December 29, 2011

More ritual thoughts

I'm still trying to figure out how to let go of the sadness I found under my anger.  So far, I've been unable to unwind it... so I'm looking for strategies.  I enrolled in SouLodge for the winter session... hoping that going within will help.  Might as well try to align with nature to help me through... right?

My other strategy is to dismantle this stuff from my own energetic field.  Think of it this way.  Imagine that the energetic structures are made out of things that resemble Tinker Toys.  All of the possibilities are present "out there".  As I move through life, I meet someone who says... "here... you need this piece" and they hand me a tinker toy that says "nice".  Because I trust this person I take the tinker toy and add it to my structure.  Many come from well-meaning people... trying to teach you how to be in the world... many come from parents... we tend to build our structures when we're young the way our parents built their structures.  After all... they survived... didn't they?  So something about what they did works.

Now, imagine that I've got this huge, unwieldy thing that is my energetic field... and I become aware that some of these tinker toys don't even fit with my sense of self.  These pieces that don't belong to me are heavy, they require lots of energy to carry, and attract feelings of frustration... and maybe anger... or sadness.  The way to heal the heaviness, fatigue, and negativity is to get rid of what doesn't belong.  Unfortunately, some of the things that don't belong now hold up much larger structures... and they're not easy to remove.

In this vision of tinker toys... I have started to find structures that I want to get rid of, and I am doing it in meditation.  I am sitting down, naming the structures I don't want... and I'm returning them to the "out there" place that holds all possibilities.  Someone else might want these... after all!  :)

I've named several triangles and removed them... sad, pathetic, unworthy... sad, worthless, unwanted... sad, victim, gullible... and on and on.  I actually think I'm starting to feel lighter.  Clearly, some of the structures are still in place, even though I've removed these little pieces.  I think it's losing its structural integrity... and it's just a matter of time... and a few more tinker toys... and I'll find a momentary place of ease on the other side of this ritual.

The way I see it, this is coming into alignment with the creator within.  I have the power to choose what I carry, how I build my Self... and I might as well connect with the very center of that to take care of this shit once and for all.  I've done tons of work where I pick up each ill-fitting piece, turn it over, examine it, open old wounds, and then put it right back where I found it... in my own space.  This time... I want to resolve this.

Monday, December 26, 2011


On Thursday night three friends and I gathered to make releasing bundles (like the one below by Pixie Campbell) and drop the figurative backpack full of bricks that were old grudges, outdated agreements, and hurts that we still carried even though the people who caused them were long gone. 

We had a very casual gathering to make the bundles.  We went down to the beach to build the fire while we stated the things we were wanting to leave behind.  We threw our bundles of herbs and pieces of  paper containing our "bricks" into the fire, and watched them burn.

Then we invited into our lives what we DO want in the coming year.  We spoke of peace, joy, ease, strength, compassion and so many other things.  We laughed and we were serious... and most of all... we were casual.  It was a co-creation that took all of us... just perfectly as we were.

It wasn't as cathartic as I'd hoped... it didn't "fix" all of the issues I had hoped thought were simply a problem because I held on to old anger.  In fact, releasing the anger left me with sadness.  My asthma has been worse the last few days... and lungs are a common place to hold sadness.  It's a little much for me right now to examine my anger... only to find the sadness underneath.  I didn't want more work... I wanted more ease.  But I guess that's why this is called a path... there's really no destination, now, is there?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Solstice ritual

So, I have begun planning my solstice/new moon anger transformation ritual.  I've invited four other people... so it's a small group.

Right now the plan is to make the releasing bundles at my house... then go out to the beach to build a bonfire (which I imagine is going to be really really cold!).  We'll do the ritual, then head back to my house for some tea and a snack before we disperse back to our lives.

The ritual involves acknowledging the pain that initiated the anger.  Little pieces of paper stating the pains are part of the releasing bundles that we'll make before going to the beach for the bonfire.  We will drum to raise the energy to be transformed.  At the peak of the energy we'll throw the releasing bundles into the fire for transformation.  This will be done by acknowledging the unexpected gifts we received from the situation... probably things like "knowing myself more fully", "gaining my strength", "clarity about the relationship", etc.  At the end I want to state the intention for the new space without the anger.  What do I want to nurture in the coming year in myself?  I hope to do each of these steps with people feeling able to just speak out as they are moved... without needing to be overly organized.

I've never created and held any kind of ritual with other people.  I'm a bit nervous about including others, but it seemed so clear I didn't want to do this by myself... like it was anti-climactic or something.  I've reached out, and I was very careful about who I reached out to... so that it was people I felt comfortable with... and people that I knew I could let be co-creative with me.

So, there we are... I've evolved to a place where I'm inviting people into my spirituality and self-growth.  Wow... I feel like I've come a long way... which reminds me of one of my favorite songs if you care to take a listen... Come A Long Way by Michelle Shocked.