More ritual thoughts

I'm still trying to figure out how to let go of the sadness I found under my anger.  So far, I've been unable to unwind it... so I'm looking for strategies.  I enrolled in SouLodge for the winter session... hoping that going within will help.  Might as well try to align with nature to help me through... right?

My other strategy is to dismantle this stuff from my own energetic field.  Think of it this way.  Imagine that the energetic structures are made out of things that resemble Tinker Toys.  All of the possibilities are present "out there".  As I move through life, I meet someone who says... "here... you need this piece" and they hand me a tinker toy that says "nice".  Because I trust this person I take the tinker toy and add it to my structure.  Many come from well-meaning people... trying to teach you how to be in the world... many come from parents... we tend to build our structures when we're young the way our parents built their structures.  After all... they survived... didn't they?  So something about what they did works.

Now, imagine that I've got this huge, unwieldy thing that is my energetic field... and I become aware that some of these tinker toys don't even fit with my sense of self.  These pieces that don't belong to me are heavy, they require lots of energy to carry, and attract feelings of frustration... and maybe anger... or sadness.  The way to heal the heaviness, fatigue, and negativity is to get rid of what doesn't belong.  Unfortunately, some of the things that don't belong now hold up much larger structures... and they're not easy to remove.

In this vision of tinker toys... I have started to find structures that I want to get rid of, and I am doing it in meditation.  I am sitting down, naming the structures I don't want... and I'm returning them to the "out there" place that holds all possibilities.  Someone else might want these... after all!  :)

I've named several triangles and removed them... sad, pathetic, unworthy... sad, worthless, unwanted... sad, victim, gullible... and on and on.  I actually think I'm starting to feel lighter.  Clearly, some of the structures are still in place, even though I've removed these little pieces.  I think it's losing its structural integrity... and it's just a matter of time... and a few more tinker toys... and I'll find a momentary place of ease on the other side of this ritual.

The way I see it, this is coming into alignment with the creator within.  I have the power to choose what I carry, how I build my Self... and I might as well connect with the very center of that to take care of this shit once and for all.  I've done tons of work where I pick up each ill-fitting piece, turn it over, examine it, open old wounds, and then put it right back where I found it... in my own space.  This time... I want to resolve this.