Playing with plants

I took an Herbcraft e-class from Latisha at Herb Mother.  Ever since, I've been meeting plants in my yard and getting to know what they do.  My first meeting was with lemon balm who I now love deeply and dearly...

She nursed me through a cold, and has just been a general blessing.  I know we're friends because the more I take, the bigger and healthier the plant looks!  Of course, it is spring, her favorite time of year. 

I have dried some, and made some into a lemon balm glycerite for my little who often tells me her tummy hurts.  Of course... I gave her the lemon balm glycerite and she made a nasty face!  LOL!  As you can see above, I have also collected and dried nettle (and made a tincture for my allergies) and mugwort.  And I made a rosemary tea mixed with vinegar to clean my counters.

I also found that I have yellow dock in my back yard... which is pretty fabulous... as I occasionally suffer from... ahem... digestive irregularity.  I hear this guy will help... although the more yellow/orange roots that can be harvested in fall are reputed to really carry the medicine, I decided to experiment with a tincture.  For this one I used Everclear as my preservative.  When I went to the liquor store asking for Everclear the guy at the counter asked if I was going to drink or cook with the giant bottle of incredibly strong alcohol.  I told him I was using it as a preservative for a tincture.  He asked what a tincture was.... and by the time I left I was pretty sure he thought I was crazier than if I'd just told him I was going to drink it by myself.

Here are a few of my plant crafts... the mandala was an art assignment from my HerbCraft class...

...and the smudge stick wrapping was inspired by something I saw on Etsy by Sage Goddess.  She makes fantastic looking smudge sticks... and I figured I could do something similar myself.  Yeah.  They weren't quite as easy as they look... although I learned a few important lessons about tying them.  Mine are loose and likely to fall apart as I use them... but they were fun to make.

So fun, actually, that I made one and gave it to a friend!

I'm enjoying my new relationship with the plants in my yard.  It makes my yard feel more personal, and I'm more in tune with it.  Next, I want to dry some plantain... I did make an infusion with oil awhile back... then added some beeswax and peppermint essential oil to make a balm for bug bites.  I have more projects on my list too... so I'll share more when it's done.

Despite feeling quiet lately, I guess I've been busier than I thought!

Dreams

I started keeping a dream journal about a year ago.  I know... should have done it a long time ago... but I'm not much of a writer... and besides... there were a few years there where I woke up so often in the night with my kids that I don't think I ever got to dream.  Anyway... I had a very interesting dream lately and it set off a fire storm of new things.  I guess I knew it was coming after that amazing vision during acupuncture that I shared last time.

I went back to my dream journal and found that over the last year I'd had a bunch of dreams about my inner Wild Woman.  She was always captive and I never knew what to do with her.  I guess the other value of a dream journal lies in actually going back and reading it occasionally.  Then I had my vision at acupuncture and I felt like everything changed.  According to my dream journal... it did.

I started dreaming of symbols of newness... eggs, chickens, new projects, new houses.  and such.  Then... I had an inspiration with respect to my work and my partner and I are off and running with it.  Last night, I dreamed that I moved to a new town, near a big beautiful lake, and I rode a skateboard and wore little 70's-ish tinted glasses.  That had to be my Wild Woman... finding her new home.  Moon Daughter on the path...

Ahhh... home...

Preparations of Spring

Spring... the time of the East... where things begin, form, get set up, and ready to take shape in the summer... the time of the South.  This last month, the transition from winter to spring has been intense for me.  It's as if I spent the winter in hibernation... holding still... waiting... and then... with the tiniest hint of spring in the air everything went wild!  Seriously... everything...

Photo by Phil McGrew in lots of local newspapers from April 12, 2012

The weather here was crazy a few weeks ago.  In coastal California we don't get much thunder and lightning... but one night there was a storm that went on for hours.  I've lived most of my life here... and never seen anything like it.  I heard lots of others say the same thing.

In parallel with the intense weather, it seemed to me that relationships got pretty intense too.  Struggles between and with my family members took on their own drama... which, pushed all of my old buttons... things I've been working on for years.  It brought back some of my old self-talk which was not nice... and for a few days last week I felt like I was going a little loco.  I didn't feel like myself.

And then I started having dreams.  Some were a bit daydreamy when I'd let my mind wander... some were visions during acupuncture... some were dreams at night.  In the end it came down to a massive clearing and shifting of energy for me. 

I met the Bone Woman.

In a daydream during acupuncture she stripped away everything but my bones and skin.  She took me down to my essential nature and cleaned my bones.  Such a strange feeling to be made of only bones and skin.  Then... she filled out from her skeletal form and began to sing.  And as she did she wove plants around me... all manner of plants... around my legs, my body... with extra around the belly and breasts because I am a mother... and up around my head.

This picture of a goddess candle holder is the closest image I can find for being built up by the Bone Woman

Then, she placed a red, heart-shaped rock at my heart.  It was vibrant, strong, and beautiful.  I felt complete again, if a little raw and edgy with my new being.  I'm still getting used to the new deal, it's still easy to cry over things... sometimes not even knowing why, exactly.  I think it's just part of the transition... becoming aware of new reference points... and trusting it to settle in.


I'm still processing... but feeling much more energetic again.  I got sick a few weeks ago... and it's taken a long time to kick the cold/flu... it processed through as did the rest of this stuff.  So the whole upheaval felt like it was not only my whole being (emotion, spirit, physical) and family level AND the environment.  Did you feel it too?

The quiet path... and hopscotch

Things have been quiet here lately... I know.  I am noticing that my path has moved at high speed though very quietly.  Like a spirit through the forest... or fairy flight... occasionally lingering... and then off again.

Through this season of quiet introspection I've done just that.  Many things have shifted for me as I've spent a lot of time just being aware of my feelings, who I am, what I stand for... and through SouLodge I've received many messages about standing tall in myself.  It seems it will be my action this year.  Standing like a tree after all this quiet movement... discovering the fruits of my inner labours... radiating my presence.  I've already noticed it happening.

It's so esoteric sounding... and yet it's very tangible.  I'm reacting to other people less... I was surprised by myself yesterday when my mom (accidentally... it's a long story) wasn't available for my daughter when she got home from school.  My daughter was scared when she thought no one was home... but luckily I had been working at home.  I was angry... but not reactive.  When my mom got angry back at me I saw it as a patterned response... a defense.  I calmly told her that I was allowed to be angry... my only request of her had been to be available when my daughter came home... and she wasn't.  I saw my childhood... patterns of behavior that I grew up with... I saw clearly why I always felt like the adult in my family... I saw how much I have grown to not throw my energy at her by yelling.  I stood up for my right to be upset... but I did it calmly.

It surprised even me.

I dearly love the person I am becoming... the wise woman that SouLodge reminded me I have inside of me.  I even love my crow's feet around my eyes and my graying hair... the wise woman coming out.

I know I'm talking as if I've arrived... in this moment it feels like it.  But the truth is that it's always a path... and it's a bit more like hopscotch than strolling gracefully down the path to enlightenment.  We go back and forth... skipping different squares... and eventually we become light.

Playing the Fool

Ahhh... 'tis winter my friends... when the holidays are over and the true long nights are not filled with activity in preparation... but darkness and being.  For me, it's a time of going inside, of self-care, self-assessment, and really spending some time feeling the solidity of who I am.  When I remember to trust myself, trust what I know and who I am... then things come easier.  When I argue with it or think I should be different... that's when the trouble always starts.

So perfect, then, that the Fool keeps showing up in my life.  This particular tarot card has made itself known to me a few times lately... and today it seemed to fit perfectly.  Heading off in who knows what direction... the Fool is on his way and trusting that all will work itself out fine... even though the supplies he carries are few.  Just a few tools... what could be in his knapsack?  In mine would be trust in myself and the path I walk, love to sustain me, a sense of excitement to keep me moving forward, a sense of solidity in my soul that is mirrored in the physical by my bones, and joy in being wherever I am on the journey.

It's a good mental exercise... to really pare things down to the nitty gritty... what are the real essentials, and what can you provide for yourself along the way?  What do I need to carry in that knapsack?  The more you carry the harder the journey... and certainly if you're carrying burdens for others... the journey gets tiring really quickly.  If you FORGET that you're carrying things that don't belong to you then it starts to feel helpless... it's difficult going... AND you don't realize you can make it any better.

This is a season for me of really paring things down to what I need... and I mean... what I really NEED.  And it seems that some sort of cosmic force is really throwing things at me to make sure I know what goes in the knapsack, and what's not all that important.  We're going through a restructuring... one that doesn't bring up fear of survival... but definitely a reordering of priorities... deciding what's a must and what can be shed.  One that seeps into every part of my life... even makes me look back on my childhood and forces me to confront some of the issues I still hold... and it turns out that mostly, they're not even mine to carry.

I play the Fool in the best possible way... trusting my path, my self, and my knowing... all on the joyous way to my highest good!


Party on!

More ritual thoughts

I'm still trying to figure out how to let go of the sadness I found under my anger.  So far, I've been unable to unwind it... so I'm looking for strategies.  I enrolled in SouLodge for the winter session... hoping that going within will help.  Might as well try to align with nature to help me through... right?

My other strategy is to dismantle this stuff from my own energetic field.  Think of it this way.  Imagine that the energetic structures are made out of things that resemble Tinker Toys.  All of the possibilities are present "out there".  As I move through life, I meet someone who says... "here... you need this piece" and they hand me a tinker toy that says "nice".  Because I trust this person I take the tinker toy and add it to my structure.  Many come from well-meaning people... trying to teach you how to be in the world... many come from parents... we tend to build our structures when we're young the way our parents built their structures.  After all... they survived... didn't they?  So something about what they did works.

Now, imagine that I've got this huge, unwieldy thing that is my energetic field... and I become aware that some of these tinker toys don't even fit with my sense of self.  These pieces that don't belong to me are heavy, they require lots of energy to carry, and attract feelings of frustration... and maybe anger... or sadness.  The way to heal the heaviness, fatigue, and negativity is to get rid of what doesn't belong.  Unfortunately, some of the things that don't belong now hold up much larger structures... and they're not easy to remove.

In this vision of tinker toys... I have started to find structures that I want to get rid of, and I am doing it in meditation.  I am sitting down, naming the structures I don't want... and I'm returning them to the "out there" place that holds all possibilities.  Someone else might want these... after all!  :)

I've named several triangles and removed them... sad, pathetic, unworthy... sad, worthless, unwanted... sad, victim, gullible... and on and on.  I actually think I'm starting to feel lighter.  Clearly, some of the structures are still in place, even though I've removed these little pieces.  I think it's losing its structural integrity... and it's just a matter of time... and a few more tinker toys... and I'll find a momentary place of ease on the other side of this ritual.

The way I see it, this is coming into alignment with the creator within.  I have the power to choose what I carry, how I build my Self... and I might as well connect with the very center of that to take care of this shit once and for all.  I've done tons of work where I pick up each ill-fitting piece, turn it over, examine it, open old wounds, and then put it right back where I found it... in my own space.  This time... I want to resolve this.

Solstice ritual

So, I have begun planning my solstice/new moon anger transformation ritual.  I've invited four other people... so it's a small group.

Right now the plan is to make the releasing bundles at my house... then go out to the beach to build a bonfire (which I imagine is going to be really really cold!).  We'll do the ritual, then head back to my house for some tea and a snack before we disperse back to our lives.

The ritual involves acknowledging the pain that initiated the anger.  Little pieces of paper stating the pains are part of the releasing bundles that we'll make before going to the beach for the bonfire.  We will drum to raise the energy to be transformed.  At the peak of the energy we'll throw the releasing bundles into the fire for transformation.  This will be done by acknowledging the unexpected gifts we received from the situation... probably things like "knowing myself more fully", "gaining my strength", "clarity about the relationship", etc.  At the end I want to state the intention for the new space without the anger.  What do I want to nurture in the coming year in myself?  I hope to do each of these steps with people feeling able to just speak out as they are moved... without needing to be overly organized.

I've never created and held any kind of ritual with other people.  I'm a bit nervous about including others, but it seemed so clear I didn't want to do this by myself... like it was anti-climactic or something.  I've reached out, and I was very careful about who I reached out to... so that it was people I felt comfortable with... and people that I knew I could let be co-creative with me.

So, there we are... I've evolved to a place where I'm inviting people into my spirituality and self-growth.  Wow... I feel like I've come a long way... which reminds me of one of my favorite songs if you care to take a listen... Come A Long Way by Michelle Shocked.

Anger Transformation Ritual

Well... I have a date for my ritual... it's been building for awhile... all the talk of Hecate and such... and I'm going to do it on December 22, the shortest day of the year.  There is promise in the returning light, and I can leave behind what does not serve me as I move forward on my path.

Pixie Campbell is organizing a Mother of All Releasings Ceremony for that dark night... and I'm going to participate.  In fact, this is exactly the kind of thing I needed.  I think I may add to my ceremony making the Releasing Bundle... even though I have most of my ceremony written out.  I have many of my ritual elements figured out... but part of my hesitation was trying to decide if I should have people with me or if I should do it alone.  Now I get both!

This fury that I carry is very personal, very deep, and very sensitive.  In that sense I wanted to do this ritual alone.  And yet, there's power in the resonance of people doing the same thing at the same time... and I want this to be a powerful experience.  This is a transformation of dark energy that I've used to define myself.  I want to carry this no longer.  I have a much better way ahead.  So, this is huge, but it's also sensitive and private... so I'm glad to have "stumbled upon" this larger ceremony going on.

If you have anything you'd like to transform at the solstice the group is still gathering.  Just check out Pixie's blog for details.

The winds of change are (literally) blowing here... I've been watching the wind strip the last of the leaves off of my birch trees... and I feel like it's doing the same to me.  I'm being cleansed down to my core... my essence... getting ready for this ritual.  I will transform all that does not serve me, all that has become a habit to carry... I am going to step into my Self.

Following Hecate's lead...

I spent a whole lot of time after my surgery and around Samhain reading and thinking about dark goddesses.  I mentioned awhile back that I am feeling Hecate in my life... taking me to examine things that have been dormant for a long time... and are now just baggage that is holding me back.  This isn't an easy journey... but I've embraced it... how else can I move forward?  Besides, even though I have the option not to look, it really is feeling like there is no other good choice for me, other than to meet Hecate at the crossroads and see what she shows me.  Oddly... I live at a crossroads... at a "T"... such that there are three streets.  Interesting placement, eh?

My favorite interpretation of Hecate - by Thalia Took

So, as I've been investigating these feelings that are suppressed... I'm finding that I have a lot of unacknowledged anger in my world.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's fury.  This awareness has sure brought cohesiveness to a lot of the symbolism that's come into my world lately.  I am being initiated into a shamanic healing awareness called Munay-Ki, and when you begin your process you get a stone... and I've always thought mine was ugly.  In the spring I mentioned that I thought my stone was ugly to a friend... who said she thought she knew what that meant.  I thought about it... and realized that I did too.  It was time to look at things I didn't really want to look at... the ugly stuff... which is what brought Hecate into my life... the one who would lead me to see the "ugliness" in myself.

Now... I'm realizing that what Hecate wants me to see first is anger.  I don't think I know too many people who were taught how to deal with anger.  Mostly, we're taught to suppress it... especially women... because we're supposed to be "nice", and it isn't comfortable for most people to deal with anger.  Usually, when a woman expresses anger she's shunned and referred to as a "bitch".  We're not encouraged to express our truths and wield our power.

So, I'm working on a ritual to address and transform anger.  I've got a few ideas... but I'm still working on the details... I'll post more about it when I've made some progress...

Healing ourselves

One of the things I've been spending a lot of time on lately is my energy balancing class and work. I've recently started an apprenticeship with one of my teachers. Basically, the apprenticeship means that I participate as a co-practitioner with my mentor when he has a client who is willing to share their presenting issues (what they came to heal or address with the energy work), with a student.

The kind of work we do blends the idea of chi/energy/mind with the physical body. The premise is that the perception we have of our experiences can have an effect on our physical lives. But we all know this anyway... overwhelming stress can lead to ulcers, feelings of disconnection from others can often lead to heart problems... these are things we all know... and it turns out that there are many healing modalities that address well-being with this understanding.

I'm starting to understand why this form of energy balancing is working so well for me... and it's because it is about wholeness... about seeing the entire body and the whole self. It's not about taking things away (e.g. take away the feelings, take away my coping mechanisms)... it's about adding to them. Adding feelings of strength, of self-awareness, integrity, connection, and wholeness with no judgment... these are the wonderful things about what I am learning. It also gives me a new perspective in my interactions with others... about the possibilities of where people are coming from, what need they are trying to fill with their actions or words... it's something that helps a lot when I'm dealing with my children.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this... I guess the rambling is just me starting to feel the integration of so many perspectives... so often in this society we seem to have "the right one" attitude... that there is a single blanket answer that fits us all for any question that we might ask. I love most about energy balancing that there are as many answers as there are people!

September new moon

On the September new moon I found myself with a day at home with both kids in school, and for a short time I felt like I wasn't sure what to do. Then, I decided it was a perfect time to do my new moon ritual that started with Meet Us At The Water through the Divining Women blog.

With leisure on my mind (after all, this was my first day in eons with no children following me around), I decided that this new moon ritual deserved a tub full of hot water!

I found a blue candle (representing the waters of the earth) and I anointed it with rosemary oil. I had also recently purchased some empty tea bags from the craft store, with no particular project in mind... but instantly I felt an idea brewing (tee hee)!


I looked up water herbs, and found a few that fit my purpose. I ended up using chamomile for mediation and calm, orris for protection and divination qualities, and yarrow for courage and removing evil and negativity. I wrapped these three herbs up in two teabags, and tied them closed with a blue string.


I ran a hot bath and put the herb packets in. I said a prayer before getting in the tub, about healing and returning to the nature of one's true self. I consciously said it in such a way that included both me and the earth's waters. I soaked for awhile, meditating on my own healing and alignment. As I let the water go down the drain I imagined those same vibrations flowing out into the world... into the oceans.

It was a wonderful ritual, and very calming. It might actually become a go-to new moon ritual for me, as it fed me in subtle ways, felt deliciously indulgent, and served a practical purpose all at once!

Healing

I am in my first year of training in an energy balancing and healing art. And right now I'm finding it difficult to reconcile putting an awareness on energetic, emotional, and physical healing, with the fact that EVERYTHING seems to rise to the surface and cause more trouble as I clear more of the "stuff that isn't me".

This is difficult, because part of me really feels like I should be getting better, and I suppose that in some ways I am. I am more true to myself than I've ever been, and yet, physically I'm cycling from one ailment to another, each one driving me more crazy than the last. I SO want to be rid of it... the allergies, the coughing... I've never had such a long allergy "season" in my life. I'm tired.

Now, I don't mean to sound complainy about being sick... there are obviously a million people within 50 miles of me who have it worse. It's the irony of being in a healing space, of focusing on health, of all the things I've done in the last 2 or 3 years moving toward healthier food, a healthier low-chemical household, organic clothing... and now I'm sicker??? I'm losing patience, and not sure where to go from here.

I love my life now, how my spirituality has REALLY fallen into place for me in the last two years, how I've embraced the flow of my life, and that I've happily redefined myself from working professional to stay-at-home-mom. I've fully found what is important to me, and I'm loving my freedom to play in it.

Thus the irony... feeling less well than I had been feeling... although if I'm truly honest with myself it was the abrupt change in my physical health that propelled me into energy balancing. I guess I just thought my body would feel better by now... and I admit to feeling a little sad over the whole thing.

Thanks for letting me rant... if you got this far I truly appreciate it! Do you ever feel this dilemma? About putting your energy in what feels like such a positive place and not feel like you get back what you expected? I suppose the Mother/Father knows what's going on here... I wish they'd share...

Oils

I've been making a lot of oils... this one I made just before we went on vacation because I've had a lingering cough.


Healing oil:
3 drops rosemary essential oil
3 drops peppermint essential oil
a few leaves of dried mugwort
about a tablespoon of carrier oil (I used almond)

I rubbed this on my chest each night to help keep down the congestion. I think it worked pretty well. I also rubbed in on my belly when I started cramping right before my moon, and the pain went away and STAYED away! Wow, that is cool stuff! I've decided that's a keeper recipe and I've put it in my Book of Shadows.

I made lots more oils too... mostly out of the book I mentioned in the last post. I made a Hearth Oil and a Clean and Clear oil for my kitchen.

Hope you all had a nice 4th of July!