Playing the Fool

Ahhh... 'tis winter my friends... when the holidays are over and the true long nights are not filled with activity in preparation... but darkness and being.  For me, it's a time of going inside, of self-care, self-assessment, and really spending some time feeling the solidity of who I am.  When I remember to trust myself, trust what I know and who I am... then things come easier.  When I argue with it or think I should be different... that's when the trouble always starts.

So perfect, then, that the Fool keeps showing up in my life.  This particular tarot card has made itself known to me a few times lately... and today it seemed to fit perfectly.  Heading off in who knows what direction... the Fool is on his way and trusting that all will work itself out fine... even though the supplies he carries are few.  Just a few tools... what could be in his knapsack?  In mine would be trust in myself and the path I walk, love to sustain me, a sense of excitement to keep me moving forward, a sense of solidity in my soul that is mirrored in the physical by my bones, and joy in being wherever I am on the journey.

It's a good mental exercise... to really pare things down to the nitty gritty... what are the real essentials, and what can you provide for yourself along the way?  What do I need to carry in that knapsack?  The more you carry the harder the journey... and certainly if you're carrying burdens for others... the journey gets tiring really quickly.  If you FORGET that you're carrying things that don't belong to you then it starts to feel helpless... it's difficult going... AND you don't realize you can make it any better.

This is a season for me of really paring things down to what I need... and I mean... what I really NEED.  And it seems that some sort of cosmic force is really throwing things at me to make sure I know what goes in the knapsack, and what's not all that important.  We're going through a restructuring... one that doesn't bring up fear of survival... but definitely a reordering of priorities... deciding what's a must and what can be shed.  One that seeps into every part of my life... even makes me look back on my childhood and forces me to confront some of the issues I still hold... and it turns out that mostly, they're not even mine to carry.

I play the Fool in the best possible way... trusting my path, my self, and my knowing... all on the joyous way to my highest good!


Party on!

Getting settled...

Whew... I think we're finally settled into school a bit. It's taken quite awhile to work out all the mundane aspects of school... carpools, extra-curricular activities, play time, and down time for mama. Sheesh.

Anyway, in the down time that I've carved out for myself I've managed to drum up more stuff to do! I've worked on figuring out a good season wheel for my area, and I determined which holidays I felt connected with enough to keep up with. I think I actually have a do-able calendar for myself. I won't bore you with the details... but I am feeling good about being able to incorporate my pagan values into a cycle that makes sense for me and my family. That said, my first attempt was at the equinox... and though we made the bread and soup, said the appropriate harvest thanks... the social aspect of the meal was less than ideal. I need to figure out a good social context (even if it's just the immediate family) that fits with the tangible stuff. That shouldn't be hard... it'll just take time to sit down and do it.

I've also been pretty clearly hearing a call to Hecate. I know that she's considered a dark goddess... and there are warnings about not taking her lightly. I guess what I'm feeling a connection with is the earthy and humble part of her. She doesn't seem flashy to me (although I think that people have tried to portray her that way... a bit dark and devilish). She's all about being present as tough times unfold... she's about crossroads, changes in life, big events like birth and death... but she's understood to carry a torch in the darkness... to be wise in the face of the unknown... steady and earthy and present. I like that, although she did persist for some time in the Greek mythology... her roots go waaayyy back... and you can feel that about her. I've read some, but already I'm getting the feeling that it's a relationship we have to build, not one that you can read about and absorb somehow.

I've also been thinking about gods and goddesses and who they are to me. I know that some people have extremely close relationships with deities that almost seem like the god or goddess is another 'person'... some neighbor or teacher. I don't know that I have that. I've not had many dieties that I felt close to... Hestia, and maybe Ogmios, being the only others that I've felt any attraction to. I still don't see them as 'people'... but more as archetypes. An my relationship with them seems to be more with exploring that archetype in my own life. Is that something you can even call a relationship with a deity?

Anyway, with the kids in school I might not have a lot more answers. But I do have more time that I've used to contemplate my questions, and I do think it will get me somewhere eventually.

Back to school...

Oh goodness... it's time to go back to school next week. I'm not excited. I'd prefer to have the kids with me... to go do all the fun things that were on my list for summer that we did not get around to doing. Sigh. Besides. I'm just not much of a morning person.

It's just starting to get warm in my neck of the woods... summer is always foggy and cool. And this year has been more than most. For goodness sake... I haven't even harvested a ripe tomato yet.
I bring this up here because I have to admit that I'm just not feeling the harvest festival cycle that started on August 1st. Honestly, I'm thinking I might have to rearrange the sabbats so that they make sense to me. I don't suppose anyone would notice (as I'm a solitary... and I don't do rituals all that much anyway). But somehow it seems dishonest... as the wheel of the year is supposed to be the one thing that unites pagans... right? If I give that up it feels like I'm just a lone person on my own anyway... so what's the point.

(Isn't this beautiful though? Makes me want to redouble my efforts to fit into the pagan wheel of the year...
I found this at evolvefish.com if you're interested in a sticker version of it)

I suppose I could commit myself to the lunar cycles... as that's more my calling anyway... but ignoring the seasons seems unfair even to me. I just don't know... I think it's going to take some real thinking... figuring out what's important to me, what kind of yearly rituals I want to have, which ones will strike enough of a chord with me that I'll follow through. The way things are right now I just feel guilty for missing those sabbats as they pass me by.

(I actually like this graphic too... the author says he or she uses it as a baseline to add more symbols...
and I liked the designs on his/her flickr page...)

So... I guess I really wish I had another month of summer left... to play with the kidlets and just be mellow. But here we are... and it's time for me to exercise that old addage that constantly comes my way: Go with the flow!