Autumn... pulling in...

I went outside, as I have a practice lately of asking daily for nature to reflect back to me.  Today the fog sits low and cool... blanketing our little valley.  It's quiet... and introspective.  Seems fitting for autumn as the daylight wanes and we start to collect our sustenance to be stored over the winter.

It's funny... how perfect this is... I'm working on a self-care class with a colleague... so I've been spending lots of time thinking about what I do to feed myself... what I do to caring for my inner home... the place that sustains me and fills me up.  So, yes, I've been spending lots of time contemplating the "within" space.

From that place within... from home... I can see that I've been receiving gifts... and I can let the feelings of gratitude wash over me.  I've received a gift of insight... of inspiration... and from that space I am incubating an offering.  Home is full, even if I've been sick... and sitting and observing my within-space... I feel the abundance that has been created there.

Today... the wind...

One of my practices, of late, has been to ask nature to reflect for me where I am and what is going on that needs my attention, or compassion, or awareness.  I went outside, and here's what happened...

I noticed the wind... telling me that I'm in the middle of a lot of change (um... thanks?).  I noticed that the wind brings the clouds AND moves them away to let the sun shine through... that things continue to breathe and move and grow... even if the wind is blowing.  You can be blown around like a tumbleweed, or you can open your wings and soar.  The wind brings the cawing of the crow to my ears... reminding me to use my cleverness and my memory to know that I can ride the change on the wings of persistence... and from there I can see the horizon...

I choose to soar... gratitude to all of nature and her spirits...

Today I noticed...

...a spider... building her web between some of my redwood saplings...

I noticed how when her web moved in the breeze, she rode it out.  She has such a delicate, but strong grip... she rode the breeze as if it were nothing.  She continued to work, moving back and forth, building her home.  She didn't stop and grasp her web, hold on for dear life... she simply stayed her course and kept moving forward with her project.  That isn't to say that she ignored the breeze, blocked it out, she really seemed to be riding it... effortlessly.

I obviously can't say that was her experience, but I can say that I had a very strong perception of it.  That her tender connection with her web was something she trusted, found strength in, and could rely on.  She confidently kept building.

Can I just jump right back in?

I know that I just took a long, unannounced hiatus... sorry 'bout that.  My world has been spinning at an incredible speed lately... and I came back to tell you the story how it's turned into a huge shift for me.  It's been the culmination of my inner work, and it feels like it came to a crazy climax in the last week.

It started with vertigo a little over a week ago.  I knew, even at that point, that the vertigo was just the physical symptom of seeing myself in a whole new way, with clarity of purpose, and an integration of my being.  How naive I was to think that was the end of it.  I drew one of my oracle cards that I love very much called Messages from the Wee Folk.  This has been my most profound set of oracle cards.  Anyway... I drew Receive.

I thought it meant that it was time to receive this new self that I'm recognizing... more integrated with my soul... more truth... more real.  Yes, I could receive.

And so I did... I caught my 1st grader's back-to-school cold.  It settled into my throat and chest and I started wondering if I was already struggling to voice my new space... to manifest the changes that were occurring.  Again I drew a card... Receive (again).  Hmmm... had to think more.  The book said "It's is time to collect and store energy for the task head in your life.  You do not have to do this alone.  You can ask others for help in your daily life."  Ask others?  Why?  For what?

And then... this morning... I hit the trifecta.  I had a fainting episode (for which I have a pacemaker - which at this moment seems to be inappropriately programmed, but that's another story for another time)... in which I had such a low heart rate (I'm going to guess 40 bpm from years of previous experience) that I could barely talk, and what I did manage to get out was that if I threw up my husband needed to roll me to my side, and if I lost consciousness altogether he should call 911.  Meanwhile, my head was spinning with so many other thoughts that were perfectly coherent... I just couldn't get them out.  I was thinking that I felt so bad to be so dependent on my family to just witness my struggle for consciousness... that I put them through the fear... that I ask them to trust me when it looks like things are far from OK... that I do this thing and I can get through it.  I felt waves of guilt, of sadness, of feeling like I just couldn't keep fighting for consciousness... and I realized something.  All the times I've done this (it's been happening since I was 12, only had a pacemaker to keep me conscious since 21, and I'm now 42) I've lost little parts of myself.  All of a sudden I was keenly aware of 68 (intuitive number) little pieces of me that lost their gravitational pull when I'd lose consciousness... or even when I just had to fight for it.

So... I did a lot of asking for help this morning.  I called a neighbor to ask her to pick up the kids from school... I asked my cardiologists office for an appointment... I asked my guides to help me pick up the pieces that have been missing... and I received... in the exact same trifecta!

Because I believe that healing most effectively comes from within... I did a soul retrieval ceremony for myself.  I chose another card from my deck... this time, I got True Self.  If that wasn't a sign I was on the right track I don't know what is...

I brought out all of my most sacred items... I cleared the space, and invited my guides in.  In fact, I invited every god, goddess, guide, spirit, elemental, nature deva, and ancestor that I have ever worked with... and I asked for some help.  I asked for help locating and reintegrating these parts of me that felt lost.  They came... so many of them... and I could feel the stitching that was done, the presence that returned, and feeling of wholeness that I can feel this afternoon... because I asked for help... and because I was willing to ask, starting with gratitude.

And here I am... feeling more whole than ever... going off to my doctor's office to see that we correct the pacemaker program.  I got the messages... and now things can go back to being "normal".... right?

With "normal"... I fully expect to be back at the blog more often, sharing some really great stuff that's been brewing all spring and summer.  I think this is my initiation... this receiving... this self-care... this integration... this soul renewal.  Yup... things are about to be better than evah!