Monday, September 17, 2012

Can I just jump right back in?

I know that I just took a long, unannounced hiatus... sorry 'bout that.  My world has been spinning at an incredible speed lately... and I came back to tell you the story how it's turned into a huge shift for me.  It's been the culmination of my inner work, and it feels like it came to a crazy climax in the last week.

It started with vertigo a little over a week ago.  I knew, even at that point, that the vertigo was just the physical symptom of seeing myself in a whole new way, with clarity of purpose, and an integration of my being.  How naive I was to think that was the end of it.  I drew one of my oracle cards that I love very much called Messages from the Wee Folk.  This has been my most profound set of oracle cards.  Anyway... I drew Receive.

I thought it meant that it was time to receive this new self that I'm recognizing... more integrated with my soul... more truth... more real.  Yes, I could receive.

And so I did... I caught my 1st grader's back-to-school cold.  It settled into my throat and chest and I started wondering if I was already struggling to voice my new space... to manifest the changes that were occurring.  Again I drew a card... Receive (again).  Hmmm... had to think more.  The book said "It's is time to collect and store energy for the task head in your life.  You do not have to do this alone.  You can ask others for help in your daily life."  Ask others?  Why?  For what?

And then... this morning... I hit the trifecta.  I had a fainting episode (for which I have a pacemaker - which at this moment seems to be inappropriately programmed, but that's another story for another time)... in which I had such a low heart rate (I'm going to guess 40 bpm from years of previous experience) that I could barely talk, and what I did manage to get out was that if I threw up my husband needed to roll me to my side, and if I lost consciousness altogether he should call 911.  Meanwhile, my head was spinning with so many other thoughts that were perfectly coherent... I just couldn't get them out.  I was thinking that I felt so bad to be so dependent on my family to just witness my struggle for consciousness... that I put them through the fear... that I ask them to trust me when it looks like things are far from OK... that I do this thing and I can get through it.  I felt waves of guilt, of sadness, of feeling like I just couldn't keep fighting for consciousness... and I realized something.  All the times I've done this (it's been happening since I was 12, only had a pacemaker to keep me conscious since 21, and I'm now 42) I've lost little parts of myself.  All of a sudden I was keenly aware of 68 (intuitive number) little pieces of me that lost their gravitational pull when I'd lose consciousness... or even when I just had to fight for it.

So... I did a lot of asking for help this morning.  I called a neighbor to ask her to pick up the kids from school... I asked my cardiologists office for an appointment... I asked my guides to help me pick up the pieces that have been missing... and I received... in the exact same trifecta!

Because I believe that healing most effectively comes from within... I did a soul retrieval ceremony for myself.  I chose another card from my deck... this time, I got True Self.  If that wasn't a sign I was on the right track I don't know what is...

I brought out all of my most sacred items... I cleared the space, and invited my guides in.  In fact, I invited every god, goddess, guide, spirit, elemental, nature deva, and ancestor that I have ever worked with... and I asked for some help.  I asked for help locating and reintegrating these parts of me that felt lost.  They came... so many of them... and I could feel the stitching that was done, the presence that returned, and feeling of wholeness that I can feel this afternoon... because I asked for help... and because I was willing to ask, starting with gratitude.

And here I am... feeling more whole than ever... going off to my doctor's office to see that we correct the pacemaker program.  I got the messages... and now things can go back to being "normal".... right?

With "normal"... I fully expect to be back at the blog more often, sharing some really great stuff that's been brewing all spring and summer.  I think this is my initiation... this receiving... this self-care... this integration... this soul renewal.  Yup... things are about to be better than evah!

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